Go with the Flow

I've learned a lot during this first year of college. I don't necessarily mean in the classroom, because unfortunately I repeated a few high school courses, but I mean I've learned a lot about people.

I truly believe that there is a course to our lives, impossible to resist. And if we notice that life is getting too rough and there are too many obstacles, perhaps we're going the wrong way, and those difficulties are the universe's way of letting us know. For example, when I want something, not just kind of want it, but know that I must accomplish or have this thing, it  happens. I decide that it will happen, and all my actions fall into place. When I am misled or with "the wrong crowd" I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. I know that I am not meant to be somewhere or with someone. I don't know if this is the feeling of intuition, but I feel like it's much stronger than that, as if more like an invisible hand guiding me along. Don't get me wrong, this is by no means "God's hand" or some sort of divine path because I find that faith and reason are enemies, and I am most definitely on the side of reason.

Examples might better explain what I mean. When I first applied for housing at UWM, I was offered a place in the engineering living learning community by multiple advisors, but I thought about how a lot of my friends are reason-minded engineer types. I felt the need to escape that for a while, so I turned down the LLC. After just a week in  the dorm I chose to live in, RiverView, I knew it was too good to be true. My room was beautiful, the privacy wonderful, and the food mediocre, but the people were absolutely awful. There were few, if any, people like me around, and I felt like a snob in that place. I had no interest in being friends with any of those people just upon exchanging a smile or names. I made the best of my time there, but I was losing the little faith I had in humanity with each passing day. I became more and more of a hermit, staying up all night on the internet, and sleeping from 5am to 5pm. On occasion, I wouldn't see daylight. I felt sick, worn down and achy constantly. I worried that I was becoming depressed. It wasn't me, and I knew life shouldn't be that hard.

So I made a change. I made an appointment with my advisor, explaining to her that my grades were wonderful as always, but I felt my well-being deteriorating. I tried, without coming off as arrogant, to explain how the people in RiverView and I were not like-minded beings and that they were, in fact, dumb as hell. She was extremely sympathetic and knew exactly what I needed, and that was to move into the LLC. The mere idea of this sounded like an oasis in the dry desolate landscape that was my happiness.

The next day during chemistry, I mentioned to my friend Ryan that I was moving into the LLC, and to my surprise, he knew people who lived there already. Through these people, I was able to choose between a few possible rooms, and meet my new roommate. Everything flowed as if I didn't have to do a damn thing. One simple action of seeing my advisor and being upfront about how I felt, put me where I am today.

I live quite happily in the engineering LLC with a roommate who has become my friend. As a matter of fact, we get along so well, we're going to live together next year off campus. She thinks the way I do, and so does her boyfriend. We've introduced ideas to one another, discussed known philosophies and reinforced our collective atheism. I feel so at peace and in place. I attempted to resist the advisors in the beginning, only for the universe to direct me right back here.


Another good example comes from just two days ago. The story, however, will begin on the first day of my honors seminar last semester when I met Leopold Smith. He stopped me as I was walking out of Garland Hall to say that we should hang out. I took it as hitting on me, but I hadn't made any friends yet, so I agreed. Later he told me that he stopped me because I sounded smart in class, unlike the other girls, and he liked what I had to say. Anyway, we became close friends, and all of his friends became my close friends, one of them being my other roommate for next semester. Leo and I spoke recently about how my entire social life was based on him stopping me after that class, and he's absolutely right. Such a seemingly miniscule moment has had such an impact on my overall college experience.

And then, just earlier this week, a guy Jay from the dorms invited me to hang out at his buddy Nick's house. I hesitated because I had work to do, but something told me that I really ought to go. I had a good feeling about the energy of that night. Upon arriving at Nick's house, I realized that we were at my friend Byron's house-- because they're roommates! We laughed about the coincidence for some time, and proceeded to drink some coffee and watch a movie. And after a little while, others poured in to the apartment, all friends of mine and Leo's. It was in that instant I realized I was destined to meet these people, be friends with these people. This was the universe's fall back moment if I hadn't decided to hang out with Leo last semester. There's a comfort and camaraderie within this group that makes me feel so welcome and appreciated. It was no mistake that I met these folks.

What I'm discovering is that even though we feel that we have this freedom to do what we want, be who we want, in the end we search for what makes us happy. So if what we think we want ends up making us miserable, we will change what we want in order to find bliss. What I am trying to say is that there is a flow of energy that we can't fight, it may be down to the most finite quantum level which we don't understand, or maybe it's this so-called "soul" that embeds in our flesh, but either way, I say you should go with the flow; it hasn't yet steered me wrong.


Where I was going with this originally was a rant about how I have distanced myself from the negative energy of those who weren't meant to be my friends. They were left behind in RiverView, where they ask God to fix all that is wrong in their lives and continue to make poor decisions. May they find their right mind before it's too late to find their bliss.

Biddies and Philosophy

Last night I was trying to watch a movie call "Waking Life," a cartoony mix of dreams and philosophies. It seemed like such a beautiful movie, but I was having trouble focusing on it because I was sitting between the two chattiest girls I have ever met. They wouldn't shut up. Perhaps Drunk Sarah would get along with them, but last night I wasn't drunk and wasn't amused with these chicks.

Anyway, they stopped talking for about a minute and a half to focus on the movie themselves, but after realizing there was no hope of picking up the plot line, they returned to gabbing. The brunette, Carly, turns her head towards me and says, "Ya know, this movie seems like it's pretty philosophical. It reminds me of when I learned about existentialism in class. Gosh, my mind was absolutely blown that day!"
I just nodded and smiled approvingly and then turned back to the movie, again having no idea what I missed and being quite angry about it.

Later, I thought about what Carly had said and about when I first learned of existentialism. I knew immediately after a quick journal excerpt that I was an existentialist. Things about existentialism have never "blown my mind" but instead reinforced things I've already thought or decided. So I wonder, is philosophy now some sort of fad? Are people who don't understand it dabbling in hopes of gaining some sort of intellectual cred? I've had "aha" moments after reading quotes or articles from more established and learned existentialists, and I often have dazed moments where I'm lost in thought, staring at a blank screen (or sometimes, awkwardly,  another person), losing myself in my own existential thoughts, but I don't think the premise of the philosophy is capable of blowing anyone's mind.

 Was it really groundbreaking for this girl to hear that she creates her own purpose for life? That the only purpose can be created by us, much like we've created God or authority?  Did it short a fuse when someone told her that she was nothing greater than what she does, the decisions and impact she makes?

If these concepts drove her crazy, imagine throwing determinism into the mix!

A Day Without Coffee

From Caribou on Michigan Ave- Chicago

Cult Films (Update from original post November 2010)

A Clockwork Orange

Reefer Madness

SLC Punk!

I used to have a list of must-see movies. Unfortunately for me, that was deleted along with lots of my contacts and other info on my phone. Now, I just do my best to watch obscure, gore-filled, and/or social commentary films. Lately, I've also been pretty fascinated with documentaries, but that's another post entirely. Anyway, what I have realized, thanks to stumbleupon, is that all my must-sees tend to be deemed cult films. So I wondered, why do I gravitate toward these notable oddities?
Cult films are plucked from all genres like sci-fi, comedy, musical, action, horror, etc. So it can't be narrowed down to my love of blood, guts, and zombies. Perhaps it's the underground, taboo factor that makes these films so appealing to me. While I do believe this is a large part their allure, I believe it's mostly that these films are misfits. They break rules and stereotypes of cinema, challenging (or maybe reinforcing) beliefs of societal norms, religion, art, language, etc. These films feel significant while you're watching, usually because of how real the character or message is in such a surreal environment.

Films to watch with my recommendation:

• A Clockwork Orange
• Rocky Horror Picture Show
• Resevoir Dogs
• Pulp Fiction
• The Wall
• The Evil Dead
• Donnie Darko
• Requiem for a Dream
• Reefer Madness
• (Romero's Living Dead Series)
• Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
• SLC Punk!
• 2001: A Space Odyssey

90's Alternative (November 2010)

I have a love/hate relationship with 90’s alternative. The music is wonderful, and growing up to it means I know all the lyrics and am just now taking the songs for what they mean. My issue is purely emotional, which is driving me up a wall. Why is it that every time Edwin McCain plays, I become a despondent, teary mess?? I have never been good at handling things like growing up, and reminders of my childhood make me extraordinarily sentimental. My stumbling blocks: fear of aging and distress over human limitations. When I’m on a high road, I’m far too logical to even notice these pathetic flaws, but they really have a way of kicking me when I’m down. I can’t say I’ve reached any conclusion here.

UChicago Trip (November 2010)

I’m already missing my weekend in the Windy City. Milwaukee doesn’t compare in height, sound, energy, or especially elegance— unfortunately, it does in smell. I wasn’t entirely enthused to return as soon as I did, but I will admit, that this little city has become home to me.
However, one thing that will always pain me is being separated from my guys. While, I may have been a bit cranky this past weekend from caffeine deficiency, it was, doubtlessly, one of the happiest times I’ve had in a while.

Down by the River

So my roommate Lauren and I decided to take advantage of the gorgeous weather by going for an adventure in the woods surrounding Hubbard Park in Milwaukee. Everything is still pretty gloomy, but branches are finally covered in buds, so I'm eager for those to bloom! The first thing I did was climb a hollowed out tree. I only climbed about 10 ft up, but there was still a nice sight of the river from it. We found a few toppled trees hanging out over the river which we carefully scaled.

 

What was so foreign to me had nothing to do with exploring or the terrain, I've always done things like this, it was this sensation I had in the pit of my stomach as we crossed these logs, or when I got to the top of that hollowed out tree. It was a nervousness I'd never experienced before. As a kid, exploring with my cousins, I was an absolute dare devil. I felt invincible, always. I wasn't afraid to climb anything, ride my bike off something. I had never been fearful of the injury that would almost certainly result, and for that matter, I don't think any negative thoughts ever crossed my mind. I LOVE that confidence, that genuine reckless explorer spirit that I had. Whatever happened to it, I won't know. I can't tell what in the world made me recognize my mortality, or make me question my safety enough to make my knees quiver. Maybe it's a part of maturing. Whatever it is, I don't like it. While I want to be conscious of my health and safety, I cannot let something like nervousness effect my exploration. It's too much fun.

Notable points of our adventure:

A message in a bottle!

  Hobo Tent!

Some life in the gray woods!

Honorable Mentions:
We found a giant oar that has been dubbed apartment decor and a dead raccoon that scared the bahjesus out of us.

From tumblr to a real blog

I decided that tumblr isn't the proper outlet for the things I want to document. Sure it's a fun website, but I was using it for the wrong reasons. What I need is an actual blog. So here goes nothing, post #1. Warning-- I'm about to transfer my favorite tumblr posts to this here. And there may be quite a few.