This couldn't be more true.

It’s a funny thing coming home. Nothing changes. Everything looks the same, feels the same, even smells the same. You realize what’s changed is you.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Part 2

(go here for part 1)
She put up a fight getting into the car, wondering where we were going and why. I couldn’t tell her, of course, that we were taking her into the emergency room for an overdose. She’d probably get violent. She was coherent enough to walk herself to the car, but she mumbled bullshit about not wanting to leave the house the whole while. I helped her light a cig once we were headed down Lake Dr. to Columbia St. Mary’s. She passed out, letting it burn to a stick of ash, and woke up once we pulled into the emergency lane of the hospital.

“oh no. no. no. no. no.”

“C’mon, Nat, get outta the car.”

“i don’t… i don’t need to go to a hospital”

Her face shrunk and her eyes pinched shut as she gasped for air. Her red, snot-covered face became drenched in tears as she begged us not to make her go. She clutched Hubert’s journal at her chest and tears drip-dropped onto the binding.

“i told you…. i did not do that much…. let’s go home”

“Get out of this car. Do this for me.”

“i’m fine. this is fucking stupid”

Matt and Tom walked around the outside of the car having a cigarette, peering in at me, waiting for me to open the door. I didn’t know what to do. What if I was completely overreacting and she was totally fine?

Earlier in the week, I had tried to get ahold of Natalie. I was calling a guy I knew she was staying with, but often the calls would go to voicemail. I think it was the Tuesday before all this when the stranger finally answered his phone.

“Hey, can I talk to Natalie?”

“Naw I’m at work. She’ll call you back tonight.”

“Great, tell her it was Sarah calling!”

“Oh, Sarah? She was talking about you. Did you hear what happened?”

“No.” I got chills.

“Hubert’s dead. Killed himself.”

Hubert, Natalie’s everything, just no longer existed. I knew what this meant. Natalie was devastated, and if I’m lucky, still breathing. I awaited her call like my own life depended on it, ill with anxiety. Natalie and Hubert had only stayed with me two days before he was arrested for shoplifting a few blocks from my house. There was a warrant out for him in Illinois, so he was shipped back as fast as he got here. I did all I could to keep her spirits up while he was gone with beers and parties, but I didn’t know the person he’d left with me in Milwaukee. She wasn’t the Natbat I’d grown up with. We didn’t have a thing in common, and she was hopelessly dope sick the whole time she was here. It was almost a relief when she’d gone back to Illinois. And now, Hubert’s dead. How? I hadn’t a clue, but I assumed he’d overdosed once they let him out of jail. Natalie didn’t even get to say goodbye, the stranger told me.

Finally, I said it. 

“Do it for Hubert, Natalie. Get out of this goddamn car.”

She sobbed. Matt opened the door of the car and I pushed her out, picking up her things as they hit the pavement. I held her at the elbow like I was escorting her to the dance floor at prom as the automatic ER doors slid open. I took her to sit down and watched as Matt and Tom explained the situation. She was coming in and out again, being conscious just long enough to ask me for a cigarette and for me to explain that we were in a hospital. People stared and I wanted to cry.

“So Natalie, you took some drugs?” The nurse said in the high pitched tone one uses to speak to a toddler.

“yeaaa so?”

 

“Well, why did your friends bring ya here, Natalie?”

“they said i took too much”

“We’re gonna check on that, alright?”

Matt, Tom and I stood outside the room speaking with some other nurses in the ER. I dug through Natalie’s purse to find her ID so we could check her in. It was coated in clumpy tan lumps of powder. Again, I wanted to cry. Matt quickly wiped it off with a tissue and soaked it in hand sanitizer. 

Matt and Tom are cousins, the Schweitzer boys. Originally hailing from Neenah, Wisconsin, they are the nicest guys I’ve ever met. I’m in love with both of them. I recognize, of course, that doesn’t sit well with people. Matt and I have been dating for a few months now. 

As I had searched through Nat’s fiery red leather tote, I happened upon a spoon, some bags and needles. I nudged Matt and opened the bag. 

“What are we supposed to do with that?” he spit out, annoyed.

“Like I know?”

“Ask a nurse if there’s a drop box or something,” Tom suggested.

There wasn’t. And the nurse wasn’t nice about it. Now we were stuck with this stuff, and the hospital staff knew. My only hope was that they didn’t pin us all as dope fiends. We walked around this seemingly vacant hospital, Natalie’s purse hanging off Matt’s shoulder. I told him I’d hold it, but apparently it complimented his tall and slender physique. 

The doctor left Natalie’s room.

“She’s stable, just really high. Here’s a prescription for an antibiotic for that infection on her hand. We cleaned and wrapped it up. She’ll be free to go in 20 minutes or so when we finish this paperwork. You can see her if you’d like.”

I left the boys in the hall and slid into the room. I picked her hand up from the bed.

“i told you. i’m fine. let’s go.”

“I just wanted to be sure, Nat.”

She stared at the white wall in front of her. 

“Nat?”

She squeezed my hand and her glossy eyes let a few tears fall.

“did i… tell you… how Hubert died?” she asked me.

“I assumed overdose.”

“No. he hung himself….we had a pact. A FUCKING PACT. we were going to die together. i tried. i fucking tried the other day, but i didnt do enough. fuck.” 

She paused to wipe her nose. 

“i did 12 bags, Sarah, i should be dead!” snot and tears flew from her face as she passionately spoke and sobbed, “i [breath] cant [sob] believe [snot] i [gasp] woke uuuuuuup,” she wailed.

I couldn’t say a word; I was absolutely stunned. She said too much at once. I was already crying. Now I wanted to throw up.

“Baby, he hung himself?” was all I could squeak out of my lungs.

“…in…jail,” she clarified, “i didnt even get to say bye. and i missed his service. it was fucking today.”

We were released, and we headed back to my house. Natalie made us stop to get cigarettes from Walgreens since we “took all her drugs.”

“those were worth 200 dollaaaars” she cried and whined the whole way home as she banged her head on the car window.

“Honestly, Natalie. I don’t give a fuck.”